Christian Jokes Each Day
Keep the Elders Away

Christian jokes can be a welcome relief in the middle of a bible lesson or sermon. These jokes would also work well in a bulletin or newsletter.

Forgiveness

A Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point. She said, “Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?”

There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up. "Sin," he said.

Bible Brain Teaser

It's not really a Christian joke, but you'll have fun anyway. In the paragraph below there are the names of 16 books of the Bible. See how many you can find.

I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu; kept people looking so hard for facts…and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally struck home to numbers of our readers. To others it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so that she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of books of the Bible in this paragraph.

What funny church stories do you have to tell? Every church has funny or odd stories to tell. What have you seen in your church? Tell us your story and I'll give it its own page here on the site. Read funny church stories and tell us your own.

Kids Proverbs

Kids say the darndest Christian jokes.

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

• As you shall make your bed so shall you ... Mess it up
• Better to be safe than … Punch a 5th grader
• Strike while the … Bug is close
• It’s always darkest before … Daylight Savings Time
• Never underestimate the power of … Termites
• You can lead a horse to water but … how?
• Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty
• No news is .. impossible
• A miss is as good as a … Mr.
• You can’t teach an old dog new ... math
• If you lie down with dogs, you’ll ... stink in the morning
• Love all, trust ... me
• The pen is mightier than the ... pigs
• An idle mind is ... The best way to relax
• Where there’s smoke there’s ... pollution
• Happy the bride who ... gets all the presents
• A penny saved is ... not much
• Two’s company, three’s ... the Musketeers
• Don’t put off till tomorrow what ... you put on to go to bed
• Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... you have to blow your nose
• None are so blind as ... Helen Keller
• Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded
• If at first you don’t succeed ... get new batteries
• You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box
• When the blind leadeth the blind ... get out of the way

The B. C.

This Christian joke is time-worn but still a good one. However, be careful where you use it… Christian jokes aren’t funny in every setting!

This story is about a rather old fashioned lady, who was planning a couple of weeks’ vacation in Florida. She also was quite delicate and elegant with her language. She wrote a letter to a particular campground and asked for reservations. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn’t know quite how to ask about the “toilet” facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom Commode,” but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the “Bathroom Commode” simply as the B.C.” Does the campground have its own “B.C.?” is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner wasn’t old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he couldn’t figure out what the lady was talking about. The word “B.C.” really stumped him. After worrying about it for several days, he showed the letter to other campers, but they couldn’t figure out what the lady meant either. The campground owner finally came to the conclusion the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church. So he sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that the “B.C.” is located nine miles north of the campsite and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.

It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They plan to hold the supper in the middle of the B.C., so everyone can watch and talk about this great event. I would like to say it pains me very much, not to be able to go more regularly, but it is not for lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more and more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to the campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go … sit with you … and introduce you to all the other folks. This is really a very friendly community.

The Bath Tub Senility Test

Depending on your answer, this might not be a Christian joke to you!

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

Bearly Christian

A man went on a nature walk. A bear began to chase him, so he climbed a tree. As he was climbing he slipped down into the bear's arms. He prayed, "Lord let this be a Christian bear." The bear said, "Lord, thank you for this food."

Bible Quiz

This is another Christian joke in the form of a quiz.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar: he was on grass for seven years.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Volkswagen Beetle: 2 Cor. 4:8 “We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement.”

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning. Eve stole first; Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David: he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan: the banks were always overflowing.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, “I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me.”

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Q. Which bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn’t Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!

Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he really brought the house down.

Brain Teaser 2

How did you do finding the 16 books of the bible in the teaser above? Well, here’s another Christian joke in the form of a brain teaser. The names of 22 books of the Bible are “hidden” in the paragraph below. See how many you can find. This one is a little more difficult… the Christian joke may be on you!

One man from Illinois worked on this while fishing from his john boat. Roy Clark studied it while playing his banjo. Elaine Victs mentioned it in her column once. One woman judges the job to be so involving, she brews a cup of tea to help calm her nerves. There will be some names that are really easy to spot … that’s a fact. Some people will soon find themselves in a jam, especially since the book names are not necessarily capitalized. The truth is, from answers we get, we are forced to admit it usually takes a minister or scholar to see some of them at the worst. Something in our genes is responsible for the difficulty we have. Those able to find all of them will hear great lamentations from those who have to be shown. One revelation may help, books like Timothy and Samuel may occur without their numbers. And punctuation or spaces in the middle are normal. A chipper attitude will help you compete. Remember, there are 22 books of the Bible lurking somewhere in this paragraph.

Pancakes

Kids seem to make the best Christian jokes.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’ Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

Brain Teaser 3

OK… you found the 16 books in the first brain teaser and the 22 in the second paragraph above. Here’s a Christian joke that’ll take a little longer. Find all the books of the bible in the paragraphs below (not counting 1's and 2's). See how many of the 59 you can find. (By Jim Smith)

My name is Samuel Levit. I customized my name because people made remarks about me being related to the furniture company Sam Levitz. My son is named Odus. Don’t ask me to explain his name the story is too complex. Odus likes music. The other day he told me he had written the song of songs. He acts like it’s the next big hit, but it left me only lukewarm. I hope he finds something else to do. I also have a daughter named Diana. She is looking so hard for a job. A Diahann Brewster called yesterday to interview my daughter. Two women, with basically the same first name, talking together on the phone, that was a most confusing conversation let me tell you! The Brewsters own a tax preparation service next door to the Francophile Monastery. Father Eugene, Sister Mary Francis, and Johnson & Johnson are clients of theirs. Father Eugene is from Romanshire, Northern Ireland. He said he studied Greek in Corinth. I answered that he is a real pro! Verbs and nouns in the Greek are difficult to learn.

I asked Mr. Brewster for tax advice. He said that tips, alms, and donations were deductible, I just need a receipt. My brother Philipp asked if travel expenses were deductible. He just came back from the Holy land. He toured Judea. The tour guide, Timothy, said that it usually costs a lot of money to take side trips unexpectedly. The tour group had asked if they could see the historic sites of the Galatians, Colossians, and the Thessalonians. The tour guide said no, but the Ephesian site is open. Philipp said a hag gained access to his travel bag. “Philipp,” I answered, “did she get your camera?” He said he had it with him or she would have. Philipp said he would be in a jam, especially with mom, if that lady had taken the camera. That’s because it belongs to her.

Philipp told me about a souvenir shop he visited. He said he saw a pez, rabbi candy dispenser. Imagine that! The woman at the counter was named Lisa. I, ah, think that was her name. Anyway, she told my brother those aren’t the ones she ordered. She had ordered a rabbi statue along with pez dispensers, but the manager, Joe, let the stock boy practice ordering that day. “Do you like them,” she asked. “The company said I can reorder any number should the need arise.” Lisa said the rabbi pez dispenser was endemic; a holy man designed them. I believe the holy man is legitimate, she explained. He has a very mild persona, humble from head to toe.

The souvenir shop has books about the different battles of the Holy Land. One particular book was about Jere, MIA. He went missing about 586 BC. Lamentations over his disappearance could be heard for miles, or so the story goes. I heard it straight from a Lachish citizen. One hemi-Ahmadiyan Muslim was there and he verified the story of Jere. Jerusalem, at the world’s most fought over section of land in human history, has a violent past. According to prophecy, the future doesn’t look good either. My brother Philipp said he had a revelation and everything will turn out fine in the end. He asked me if I believed him. I said, “nope, terminate this charade right now!” He said “It’s the truth, read it for yourself!”

Lisa, the souvenir shop attendant, has a sister who works for the chronicle. She is a photojournalist. Her name is Jo. Nahant, Massechusetts is where she lives, but she travels a lot for the newspaper. Egypt had a big story break last month. The editor wanted the best her paper could send, so they sent Jo. Shu, an Egyptian god of the air, was up in arms over smog in Cairo. All they got was a picture of a dust storm. I think it was a hoax. I told my friend Dan, I eliminated Cairo from my travel itinerary.

Philipp wanted to take a cruise from Finland to Scotland, over Christmas. I protested, “We’ll, freeze!” “Kiel Canal is the way through Denmark,” he said. “It will be fun and I can catch up on my physics paper while we are at sea,” he said. “Now, lets see where did I leave off? Oh yes, the deuteron.” “O, my Philipp. You’re a sick man. A crowd of judges wouldn’t convict me if I tossed you overboard.” Well, we went on the cruise and just like I said, I froze! “Chari! Ahoy, Chari! Wait for me,” a voice said. It was the cruiseline dance instructor. She was late to port and almost missed the ship. The ship’s chef happened to be a college friend of mine, Gilliam Eccles. I, as tester of food, got half price on my cruise tickets for my services. That made the trip more worthwhile. Ship security was provided by the National Intelligence Authority. Zeph, a NIA hand-picked agent, was head of security. H.A. Bakk, Ukrainian composer and conductor, personally headed a shipboard concert on the final day of the cruise. It was the highlight of the trip! Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

Explain That!

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.

"He died and went to heaven," she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

For more Christian jokes you might want to look at some pastor jokes or some church sign sayings.

Do you have any Christian jokes that you want to share? Use the form below to send me your Christian jokes so others can laugh at you ... I mean ... laugh at your Christian jokes too. Share your christian jokes here.

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