Pastor Jokes

Pastor jokes...and religious jokes in general...float around the internet in quantities as large as the grains of sand in the Caribbean! But as they travel from one inbox to another, the original author's name is usually lost. So most of the jokes below do not show the author's name. I'd be glad to include the name if he or she can be found.

If you know of any good pastor jokes that you’d like to share, please send them to me using the form at the bottom of this page.

For more Christian humor, you might get a laugh out of these funny church stories , Christian jokes , church jokes, and, church sign sayings.

Enlightened Pastors

This pastor joke might offend just about everyone!

At a recent pastor’s retreat each minister in attendance was asked the following question: “How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?” The answers were as follows.

A Presbyterian Pastor responded, “None. If God wants the bulb screwed in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort.”

A Charismatic Pastor replied, “None. The bulb doesn’t need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed.”

A Pentecostal Pastor said, “None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness.”

The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, “None. We shouldn’t even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness.”

A Baptist Pastor responded, “None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing.”

The Wesleyan Minister replied, “None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in.”

A Non-Denominational Pastor said, “None. We don’t want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable.”

This poll provides one clear conclusion: it’s no wonder pastors are always in the dark.

Pastoral Search Report

We do not have a happy report to give. We’ve not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we’ve followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

• Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
• Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
• Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
• Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
• Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
• David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.
• Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
• Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
• Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
• Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
• Deborah: Female.
• Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
• Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
• Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
• Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
• John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
• Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
• Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
• Timothy: Too young.
• Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
• Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

Advance Notice

A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people turned up to hear him peach.

He asked the Vicar "Did you give notice of my visit?".

"No" replied the vicar, "but word seems to have got round anyway".

The Ears Have It

This pastor joke might turn your stomach if you are not a hunter.

Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.

As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.

Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.

A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.

Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!"

They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.

The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

Nuts

This pastor joke proves that good hospital etiquette can save some embarrassment!

A preacher went to visit an eldrly woman from his church who had just had an operation. As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed. He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave. When he got up he noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts.

"Sister Jones,"he said" I'm sorry I ate all of your peanuts."

She replied "That's okay pastor, I already sucked all of the chocolate off of them."

Hot Air

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Dead Pastors

This pastor joke is an exaggeration ... but only a slight exaggeration!

Two ministers met in the after life.

One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?"

The other said, "This isn't heaven!"

Poor Pastor

This pastor joke reminds us to know whose listening when we talk.

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Goat for Dinner

A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

Three Pastors and a Drunk

Three preachers were driving down the road when they missed a turn and went into the ditch. As they pulled themselves together, a drunk pulled up and asked if they were all right.

"Oh, yes, Jesus is with us," one replied.

The drunk thought that over for a minute. "Well, you'd better let him get in with me, you're going to kill him!"

The Coat Hanger

A pastor was at church when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left church and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The pastor looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The pastor thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The pastor hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Monastary

A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over.

One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, “I suppose you’re the ‘fish friar’?”

“No,” answered the brother levelly, “I’m the ‘chip monk’.”

Clerical Collar

A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his “work uniform” went up to the priest and asked, “Why do you dress so funny?” The priest replied, “This is the uniform that I wear when I work.”

The child, still staring at him, asked, “Do you have a boo boo?” The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the white plastic insert and showed it to the child telling him that it was also part of his uniform.

On the back side of the collar there was some writing: “Wash with warm soapy water.” The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him “Do you know what these words say?

The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, “I sure do.” The priest a little taken aback then replies, “OK then, tell me what they say.”

The little boy then replies, “Kills fleas and ticks for up to six months.”

Two Ministers

A Baptist Minister and a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5."

Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!"

This catches the Baptist’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. "What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Baptist doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.

Now, it’s the Baptist’s turn. He asks the Presbyterian "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church— all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks "Well, so what’s the answer?"

Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Get Behind Me, Satan

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife,"

but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"


Free Hair Cuts

In a small town there was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Bapist minister.

One day the priest went to get a hair cut. After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him. The barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God." So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.

That day the rabbi came for a hair cut. Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God." So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note.

That day the Baptist minister came for his hair cut. Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."

The next day when the barber went to open his shop he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.

Bad Boys

This pastor joke reminds me of some preacher kids I know!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past. She asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the pastor.

The husband said, “We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!”

The pastor agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.

The 8-year-old boy went first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the pastor repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!!”

Beer and Liver

A preacher once preached about the danger of drinking beer and he showed the congregation a clear glass with a piece of liver inside and poured beer inside and let them watch what would happen to your liver if you drank.

There was a little drunk in the very last bench that stood up and said,

"Oh my, I'll never eat liver again.”


Leave It The Way You Found It

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."

The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"

The pastor replied, "I've accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."


Jesus Wept

Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him.

A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, "I'm a pastor!"

Jesus sat down beside him, put his arm around him.......

and cried too.

For another pastor joke, see the Letterman Top 10 parody on the pastor appreciation skit page.

Looking for more laughs? Try these Christian jokes , church jokes, and, church sign sayings.

What's the funniest thing that's ever happened at your church? Every church has funny or odd stories to tell. What have you seen in your church? What pastor jokes do you have to share? Tell us your story and I'll give it its own page here on the site. And read other funny church stories as well. Read more pastor jokes and write your own!

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